he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
