There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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