i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize