I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
