I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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