I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
