i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
nutella sex= disaster
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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