birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
