I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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