I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
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