One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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