My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
