I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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