in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
