I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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