I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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