We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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