We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
