Old men and throwing up are my life now.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
