dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
