Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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