I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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