I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
