Your tits are I can't wait for
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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