I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
