so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
