btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
