Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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