a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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