I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
