Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
