i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
