And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
