If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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