I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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