I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
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