just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize