Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
