Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
organizing the empties. That sober.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
