is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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