I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
