I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We were destined to go to rehab together
You pole danced in your parka.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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