I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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