margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
