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Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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