Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
