Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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