just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
