she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
