Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
