the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
operation harelip BJ is a go
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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