Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize