Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
