I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
