i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
