something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
