he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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