i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
