I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
