I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
